THE REFORMED WITNESS HOUR"Priorities in
Marriage (1)"
Prof. Barrett Gritters(e-mail: Rev. Carl Haak) |
Dear
radio friends,
The Westminster Shorter
Catechism begins with a famous question. Perhaps
you know it. The question is, “What is
the chief end of man?” The answer: “To know God and to enjoy Him forever.”
This same question could be
given to marriage: What is the chief end of
marriage? What exactly is the purpose of your
marriage? And the answer: To know God and to enjoy Him forever. Or, if I may paraphrase, “To glorify
God.” The chief end or purpose of
Christian marriage is, as with all things, to glorify God.
Today we have idolized
ourselves. We are more and more the product
of the “me” generation, which produces self-absorbed people. And flowing over to marriage, Christians more and
more are tempted to idolize their marriage, that is, to believe that their marriage exists
for their own personal enjoyment. We would
ask the question: What else is the purpose of
a husband and what else is the purpose of a wife but to make me happy?
What desperately needs to be
heard in our day and age is the sound of the living Word of God declaring that the chief
end of all things is to glorify God. Or we
may put it this way, that domestic happiness in our marriage is not the chief end or
purpose of that marriage. But the chief
purpose of our marriage is to glorify God. This
is an important truth that is taught us time after time in the Holy Scriptures. That truth is this, that God has created all
things for His own glory and, therefore, God has created but one way for our own
happiness. Our own happiness is to be
obtained in the way of obedience and service of the living God. So to speak, happiness is never something that we
obtain by aiming at it. But happiness in the
biblical sense is always a by-product. It
comes from obedience to God. The Scriptures
declare to us that in everything God must be first, that He cannot be second, that He
alone deserves to be the object of all that we do. We
are to glorify God. When God, therefore, by
His wonderful grace and Spirit is become the priority of our entire life, and now of our
marriage, happiness — true, spiritual, lasting happiness — will certainly
follow.
What we are talking about is
priority. One must have the right priorities
in his marriage. One must know the purpose of
his marriage if he is ever to expect happiness or contentment. If one does not know the priority or purpose of
his marriage, misery must surely come. And
that priority is God. This is a forgotten
message in Christianity today. Therefore it
is very appropriate that we be reminded of this truth.
The Reformed Witness Hour today,
therefore, is privileged to bring to you the first half of a message on the subject of
“The Biblical Priority of a Christian Marriage.”
The speaker is the Rev. Barrett Gritters, professor in the Protestant Reformed
Seminary. He gave this message as part of a
conference on marriage in October of 2003. The
message, then, is timely.
Without further comment, let us
listen carefully today to the first half of Prof. Gritters’ message on the important
subject of the priority of Christian marriage. Prof.
Gritters:
If you think about it, then,
that makes sense to you, too. This is the
priority: given the truth in Ephesians 5, the
priority may be stated in this way: That we
learn and know and love how Jesus Christ relates in marriage to His church so that our
marriages conform to that reality, to His glory and not ours. There is one priority in marriage. That is that we look and learn and come to love
what we see in the relationship between Jesus Christ (the Bridegroom) and us (the bride)
and model our marriages after that marriage, so that He and His Father (Jehovah God) are
glorified. One priority.
The pastors who are speaking
with me have had more experience in the ministry than I have. But I am guessing that if you would ask them, you
would find that they have had the very same experience that I have had as a pastor. That is this, that if you would go to every couple
that came to you as a pastor with marriage problems, if those problems were solved by the
grace of God, they would admit, looking back, that they would not have had those problems
had they had that one priority in their marriage, that they wanted, more than anything
else, their little picture-marriage to be just like that great reality-marriage, not for
their sakes, but for His sake. One priority
in marriage.
Everything else I have to say is
simply an explanation of and an expansion on that. Look
at Christ and how He loves and is married to the church and model your marriages after
that, not for your sakes but for His.
The first implication of that
main principle is: Marriage is not about us,
it is about Him. The purpose of marriage is
not our joy and our prosperity and our welfare; it is for Him. One priority, not many. All the others (if there are others) flow out of
that.
Let me put it very practically. Your goal is not your happiness, is not the
welfare of your marriage, period. But it is
about God’s glory.
Maybe I could take an informal
poll: How many of you are listening with the
interest that your marriage would improve so that your joy in marriage would increase? That is not the purpose of this message. That is not the goal of the believing child of
God. If that was your goal, God forgives you,
and now God calls you to repent. And
repentance means this: Turn away from
yourself and turn to Him. Quit thinking about
what you want to make you happy and think about what He wants to give Him the glory. That is the priority, that is our goal. Look at the real, eternal marriage. Conform your marriage to it so that your marriage
gives honor and glory to Him.
That is what makes this
conference different from every other conference on marriage. I dare say most of the other conferences on
marriages will not have that as their theme and that as their goal. That is why we do not tell the members of our
congregations that there is a good conference over there, and another conference over
there, so, because it would cost a lot of money for us to advertise a conference and a lot
of energy to promote a conference like this, why don’t you just go there or the other
place? Why do we not do that? Because those conferences do not have that as
their goal, mainly.
I think, for example, of the
interest that the President of the United States has in marriage. I am very thankful for that. We may praise God for that, that he is doing
something and calling the people and teaching us that marriage is, as Rev. Kleyn said, for
one man and one woman. But read the small
print. And hear what the goals are. “Children raised in households headed by
married parents fare better than children who grow up in other family structures.” Not bad. “Government
organizations promote healthy marriages and a better quality of life for children. We want them to grow up in a safe and loving
home.” Not bad, as far as it goes. But, you understand, it does not go far enough. Then a comment and a paragraph about a tax relief
package and a desire that married couples be able to move out of poverty and that we
create a compassionate, welcoming society where all people are treated with dignity and
respect. Fine, as far as it goes. But it does not go far enough, because the goal of
every Christian, not just Reformed believers, but the goal of every Christian must be the
goal of the apostle Paul in Ephesians 5 that our marriages are for this one purpose: a godly marriage honors God, and a godly union
between one man and one woman is a reflection of the union between Jesus Christ and His
church.
There is another reason why we
do not want the people whom we know and the members of our churches to go to these other
conferences. One is that these conferences
have a very different view about divorce and remarriage than we have. Another one is that many of them likely have a
very different view about headship than what the Bible teaches about headship.
A couple of years ago —
maybe more than a couple, probably more like ten years ago — a young couple in the
congregation came to me for premarriage counseling after they had gone to another church
for premarriage counseling. A couple, a man
and a wife, led that premarriage counseling. The
woman in the premarriage counseling told the young women in her group who were about to be
married in no uncertain terms: “You are
not to submit to your husband. He is not the
head in marriage.” That was in a
Reformed congregation! So there are other
reasons why we want to have a special conference on marriage.
But all of those aside, there is
one reason: because our conferences must
promote that God is to be praised in our marriages.
What is the theme of a Reformed
believer? Soli Deo Gloria. Not just Deo Gloria. Not just to God be the glory, but to God alone
be the glory. It is not about me. It is not about my wife. It is not about our joy and our happiness. It is about the glory of God.
I have the time tonight to work
that out practically in only a couple of areas. Let
me draw the main lines as to how that works out practically. The theme that I am trying to develop tonight is
that we must look at and learn and grow to love what we know about the relationship
between Christ and us, and so model our marriages after that that they look like that, not
so that we may be happy, but so that He may be glorified.
Learn about Jesus Christ and
Christ’s church. Love what that union is
and then make your marriage to be like that. Do
not let yourself be satisfied with this: “I
know I’m married to Jesus Christ. I know
the church is the bride of Christ. I know we
live with Jesus and He loves us. And
that’s all I need to know.” Do not
be satisfied with that. Say, “I want to
know all the details. I want to know
everything about that relationship, the real relationship, that I possibly can.”
How did it come to be that He
chose us to be His spouse? That is going to
tell you something about your marriage. How
did it come to be that we were willing to be married to Him and are happy in that marriage
to Him? How does it go in the relationship
between Christ and the church? What is that
relationship like? What is the day-to-day
existence that we may experience when we are married to Him? What is it all like? What place does Christ have in it? What place do we have in it? Equal partners?
All of those questions are going to tell us something very important about our own
earthly marriages.
That is where good theology
comes in. That is why having this as a
priority in marriage makes this also a priority in marriage that we are members of good,
biblical, Reformed churches, where the Word of God is preached and theology is heard. Good theology, sound theology, biblical theology. We need to learn about the priority of Jesus
Christ in that relationship. We need to know
why He chose us and why He did not choose others. What
are the reasons? We need to know why we are
willing. We need to know the reasons why not. We need to know in detail. We need to learn and grow to love the Reformed
truth of the relationship between our Savior Jesus Christ and us, so that we can form our
marriages, always reaching up, always embracing that union to make our marriages what they
ought to be.
When I learn about that
relationship, then I learn about two main things. Jesus
Christ loves me. And I live with Him. When Jesus Christ loves me, He loves me so much
that He dies for me. When I love Him, I love
Him so much that my life is spent for Him. Jesus
Christ loves me to death. I love Him so that
all my life is spent in my love for Him. When
He loves me, He sacrifices Himself. When I
love Him, I sacrifice myself for Him. It is
not about me, it is about Him! It
is not about my joy and my honor. It
is about His glory and His pleasure.
Last modified: Sept. 02, 2004